Pel (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
mythalenaste) wrote2015-09-15 06:25 pm
mythalenaste) wrote2015-09-15 06:25 pm
OPEN POST
“All witches are selfish, the Queen had said. But Tiffany’s Third Thoughts said: Then turn selfishness into a weapon! Make all things yours! Make other lives and dreams and hopes yours! Protect them! Save them! Bring them into the sheepfold! Walk the gale for them! Keep away the wolf! My dreams! My brother! My family! My land! My world! How dare you try to take these things, because they are mine!
I have a duty!”
--Terry Pratchett, The Wee Free Men
for shenanigans of all types, especially post-game
bastard daughter psl
That was the last thing he'd ever hear from his former lover, scrawled on a note as she lay dying, presented by a somber child - a dwarf, with red, untamed hair and faded green eyes. The girl didn't speak much, and Gavin didn't know what to say. It took a few minutes until it occurred to him that the note wasn't a request so much as a duty. She was his daughter. One he never knew he had.
He took the girls hand - tiny and warm - and helped her back onto the pony she'd arrived on, and then had led her out away from the small town. It was the closest to where Clan Ashara was currently camped - her mother must have kept fairly good tabs on him. They'd only spent a single night together, and they'd parted ways on good terms and in friendship - but apparently the consequences had been much greater for her than him.
Taking her to the clan turned out to be a trial. He tucked her into one of the aravels, and then spent nearly two hours being yelled at by the keeper. In the end, she snapped at him that she would decide his fate in the morning, and he'd left, depressed and dejected, to go sit by the fire in the dark, trying to decide what on earth he was going to do.
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The problem is that, at one point, it was supposed to be her having his children. She was supposed to be his family. But that's not such a slap in the face if he's going to give the girl away. Gavin never takes on responsibility. She doesn't expect this to be any different.
"You're not going to keep her," she says quietly as she approaches and sits on the ground beside him. "She's not going to eject you from the clan."
There's bitter resentment in her words, but more tired resignation than anger.
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"I can't just - give her away, Pel," He said, his voice just as quiet, staring into the flames. "She doesn't have anyone." He picked up a twig and threw it into the fire, watching it spark and catch and die.
"But I can't keep her here. So I don't see what other choice the Keeper has."
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"It's not about her. It's not even about you. You have never committed to anything in your life. You don't start with a child, any more than you start hunting by chasing a stag or a boar. Speaking from experience, Gavin, the cruelest thing you could do to this girl is to give her half a father. So yes you can give her away."
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Something flashed across Gavin's face, twisting his lips and pulling at his eyes.
"No." He decided, the word firm as his expression hardened. "No, I won't." It was almost petulant, and certainly said with more sureness than he had, but he could feel it like a kick in the gut. "I'm not going to let her think that no one wants her, Pel." He stood up, rather abruptly, though then didn't seem to know what to do with himself when he got there, so just kicked a stone into the fire.
"I shouldn't have brought her here."
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"Then you give her to someone who can love her. Gavin, you can't even love yourself. You wander and then you punish yourself for wandering, but you keep doing it. You spend your time looking for relevance, for some calling, and...Mythal'enaste, do you think this child is your newfound purpose?"
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"I'm not incapable of love, Pel." It was a flat statement, though the guilt lay just behind it, and he didn't look at her. "And she's not-- Don't talk about her like a phase, Pel, she's --" He was about to say 'one of the people' but even that wasn't true and just made his face scrunch up. He dug his toe in the dirt.
"Would it make you happier if I just stayed useless, my whole life? Just - gave up on her, because what could I hope to do anyway, can't even take care of myself--"
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"She deserves a family," he said firmly. "And I'm not <i>using her. But I am responsible for her, Pel. She went her whole life assuming I would never be in it, which was bad enough. I'm not going to - I'm not going to just - No. No, I won't." He took a deep breath.
"We'll go away. I'll figure something out. And if I-- If I really can't, then I'll find something better for her. But I owe it to her, to try."
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Gavin's heart wrenched, and he almost took a step toward her but kept himself still. "... Pel, I can't change the past for you," replied after a moment, "But it's too late, now. Whether I give her away now, or later... That's still all I would ever be. Someone who failed her."
He breathed through his nose, looking down at the ground.
"But you're right. I can't do it on a trial basis." There was a long pause. "I'll just have to go with her, whatever happens."
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His face drooped as he raised his eyes to meet Pel's, gazing at her with a sad lopsided smile.
"Even I have to grow up some time, right?" He asked quietly.
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"Just don't give her what was given to me. Whatever you do. What's her name?"
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"Lyra," He replied quietly. He knew Pel well enough that he could see it - visibly see the damage he was doing, even now. But this... this was not something he could fix, even if he stayed. At least he had a chance of being someone good, for Lyra. At least he had a chance to not let her down.
"... You'll explain to the Keeper for me?" He asked quietly.
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She has to resist the urge to throw herself in his arms, to beg to go with him. There are too many years of resentment between them now, to try to have a life together. She has to let go of him. She has to heal.
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It's against his nature - he's never been good at goodbyes - and for a moment he tries to argue, tries to tell her that it's better if they just leave in the night --
But she's right. It's his nature, but that's what he has to try to change. He's not going to throw that away on the first night.
They deserve a proper goodbye.
So instead he nods. "Alright," he agrees in a low murmur.
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"I'll always love you, somehow. I'll always miss you. But I'll be fine, and so will you."
She leans in to press a lingering kiss to his cheek. And with that, she is free. She has said what needed to be said. When she pulls away, she smiles tearfully.
"You're going to be so happy."
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His own eyes mist a little, and he smiles at her, warm and sad and fond.
"I'll do my best to make you proud, Pel," he whispered quietly, then reached out to brush a hand on her cheek, whisking the first tear away before it fell.
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She'll have to grieve tomorrow. Grieve and then finally start moving forward. How much fuller will her life be, without the strewn-out promise of occasional breadcrumbs?
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He let his hand drop, before stepping back. "Well. I'll try to make everyone proud," He said, even if he didn't believe it was possible. "... Goodnight, Pel," he murmured, and disappeared back into the camp.
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In the morning, she does not say goodbye to Gavin. Instead, she kneels in front of the little girl and places in her palm a pendant on a string.
"This is made from the antler of a halla, little one," she tells her gently. "I want you to have it to keep, to remind you of where you come from."
The pendant is one Pel has worn for years. It feels right to let it go now, to give her part to the effort Gavin is making. He wanted her to belong in this world. Maybe there will come a time when she can belong to the clan as an elven child, but until then, she has this little reminder of the proud blood that runs in her veins.
She barely glances at Gavin when she stands. A little smile, and she turns away, and the line of goodbyes continues without her.